I was in campus when I first witnessed two couples fighting. My classmates in 2nd year. The guy doubled up as my roommate. He was trading blows with his girlfriend, in our apartment. Why? Because he was insecure especially that she was starting to get comfortable around me. He was insane?
Learned friends would argue that with my roommate fighting his girlfriend, he had done so before. Or seen his parents’ fight. Or witnessed a nasty argument. Psychologist would call him a misogynist. But the girlfriend just stood there. Didn’t fight back. Like the woman in Genesis, she was submissive. Like a Ugandan wife, kneeling to serve his man. A keeper she was.
Love lessons are not taught in class. At least not in Africa. Society expects that maturity comes with age. That it brings knowledge about sex and marriage, how to spice up a relationship, name it. As a man, patriarchy inflicts on a man the burden of security provision and leadership in the house.
I lost my first girlfriend after the family won a Dutch green card. I couldn’t sustain a long-distance relationship. No one can. Those who do should perhaps share manuals or mental subscriptions. Loving and staying committed to someone miles away isn’t a chocolate bar…it presents all the challenges of constructing a house at the center of the ocean. Caution, precaution. Repeat. Little mistake and the relationship is dead. Suffice to say, the relationship succumbed to communication failure few months after she landed in Netherlands. I’d vow to never marry or date a person miles away again but guess what? Gloria, my best friend, is miles away.
Gloria is spiderman, batman and flash all in one body. She is agent Keen’s Redington. A glimmer of love, hope and humility. A free spirit who shares her ideas and thoughts with the boldness of Harvey Specter. She respects herself enough to stand up for herself, the causes she believes in and the welfare of others.
But Gloria is no saint either. When rattled, she bites. She fights. Not with blows like my campus roommate, but with words. When she loves, she is…wait, have you heard of psychic lovers?
She dived into marriage ready for real love. A caring husband. Craved walking around the park with cute babies. Like flowers sprouting through fertile soil with sufficient supply of water, light and oxygen, she was ready to fight any challenges that came her way. Her husbands way. She’s stood firm, even when he (her husband) fought her from within. Smiled when pricked from the back. Apologized when he has been on the wrong, and like the Genesis woman as well, Gloria has made ends meat despite living with… yes, you guessed it right. A misogynist.
The pair continuously remind me of my campus buddy but with an element of uniqueness. Everyday, she hangs onto her marriage with fingernails. Like a little baby carrying a tray of eggs.
My roommate once invited friends for his birthday but insisted his girlfriend must not attend. Did not even tell her he was planning a party. Reason? When she hears news of the party, she would be sad but can’t do anything about it. That would send a message of who is boss in the relationship. He claimed it would make her know her position in his life.
Casualties of war? I watched helplessly as my roommate fought his girlfriend because she laughed and enjoyed our conversations. I had no vested interest.
And yet here we are.
When people ask about the secret to a happy relationship, I laugh. Vulnerability? Mind-blowing sex? I heard that a relationship is a full-time job requiring time and communication. The old wise men in Africa refer to a combination of the two as commitment.
This year has taught me that having a best friend is like being married. It’s a fight where you have to stay committed to the goal. Taking care of one another. Loving and listening to each other. Feeling how the other feels. It involves updating the other party and planning days and events together. Did I forget something?
I have learnt to stay committed to someone living miles away from me. To love even when called kijana. To be vulnerable to someone I can’t see physically. To listen. I have learnt that when she says it is over, it is only for that day.
Today, Gloria told me that 2022 has taught her to allow life to surprise her and to expect the unexpected.
I expect to meet her again next year. Proposals and marriages are unexpected but who knows. I hope to be with you next Christmas. That we will be happy. That the love will keep growing but before we get there, I want you to enjoy this Christmas. If I was to be your Christmas gift, would you say yes?
#MerryChristmas
